I didn’t jump

We went for a drive . We went for a drive to Devil’s Bridge. My friend, a friend and I and me. We went for a drive, us four. Us three. Much needed change of scenery…
“Everything IS how you look at it, ” I thought as Me stared out at the raging sea.
Me… saw the sea as a potential grave and at that moment it would have been so easy to dive. At that moment it would have been easy to die. To swim, I know not how. And I had been so tired that weekend. This weekend . I should have been ready to die.
Me… saw the sea as a potential grave but I looked. I looked at the sea and saw … the Sea. It was and is the Sea and was nothing other than what it always was and is nothing other than what it always is. It will be the sea today and so it will be the sea tomorrow.

Me… saw the sea as a potential grave but I looked and saw the graves were only in my mind. The sea could have been a grave for Me. But here I am sharing this moment so the sea remains the Sea. And here I am. Dying was an action away but here I am.

I could have made a grave of the Sea. I could have made the Sea my grave. But I am here. I am here to find out why. Why I didn’t make the Sea my grave. That , now, is the reason I am here… aside from the very obvious fact that

I didn’t jump.

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Today’s illustrations

Hulloooo~ SO there I was , scrolling through facebook and after a few posts about a woman killing her two children and an article on why a man killed his Mexicans neighbours because they were immigrants…. (let that all sink in), I stumbled an article about Emma Block, an illustrator who inspired me to let go and experiment with the pineapple style you see in the illustrations. I really enjoyed doing these . I work part-time in an art gallery (it’s really not the least bit as fancy as it sounds) and one of the things that I do is paint in calabashes. These are gourds that grow on trees in the Caribbean and they can be used as bowls! Neat right? I plan to transfer these to paper and add ’em to my illustration portfolio.

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FUN!!

Conflicting ideas

Things have been stable lately. In my head. I’m glad! But I have so much to share and a few conflicting ideas- like

My desire to do away with Facebook and Instagram once again but for good this time , conflicts with the logical idea of taking advantage of the wonderful opportunities available on these networks, for artists who use them strategically.

It seems that with the advanced tech hub that the art world has become, other media like posting an ad in the paper or an announcement on the radio is too old school to even consider.

……

Lost my train of thought- family member interrupted me dammit!

How do artists earn workshops or travel opportunities?

Where do I begin?

Aligning my actions with the truth vibrating within my highest self. Where do I begin? Can I really be that person where I am right now? I have to go. I don’t know where. Antigua is beautiful and some days I wonder if my need to leave is a product of ingratitude… or lack of appreciation for this place so many know as a paradise. But I see it and still … there is something amiss. Within. I want to bloom so badly. That can only happen to it’s fullest extent if I am elsewhere. I cannot explain. I have nowhere to go and not much $$$. Are there any artists or writers , farmers.. or just creative beings out there who need a hand at home? I’ll do what I can in exchange for a room and a chance to connect deeply. I just want a chance to be . I paint , draw, sing a little, write and I’m so willing to learn new trades.

All wrong?

                     2016.

What if we’ve been doing this life thing all wrong? What if we were never meant to stay in one place for the rest of our lives? To build tangible homes and collect possessions?
What if the point of existence is to connect? To break down barriers (whether it be language or cultural misunderstandings). To embrace each other. Building homes in the spirits we meet. Learning. Moving. Sharing stories, fears, desires and creating together with hearts and minds open, pure and true. With love as the intention.

I know What ifs are sometimes foolish and not everyone wants the same things but…

Practice practice

11:14 p.m.
Definitely later than I intended originally to have posted next. But here I am anyway 🙂 Better late than not at all.

I’ve been thinking about portraits for a few days now. I love doing them! Watching a face come to life beneath your fingers is an experience that cannot be described but must be…well… experienced. 😛

So yesterday evening, I picked up my watercolours, brushes and a loose sheet of primed bristol board and after selecting a face from the internet, I got to work. It was more of an exercise than a test…just to remind myself that I can still do it. You know how that is I’m sure! The longer you stay away from anything that requires practice, the less confidence you’ll have in your ability to do it well… like driving and dancing. I wiped my mind clean of all self doubt, or even of all confidence and I just allowed myself to try. Allowed myself to do.
That’s honestly when I get the most of anything artistic done. With a mind devoid of thought. And it just so happens that one of the most common questions artists get asked is ,”What were you thinking when you painted this?”  Jesus madeezus! I was thinking that I really wanted to paint and so I did! But gimme a quick second. Let me bullshit you real quick. Let me think up something really deep and relatable that will have tears swimming to your eyes and tying your heart in knots. Reality is, creation is mostly abstract. Sometimes it comes from such a clear, pure, almost empty space. Weightless. Thoughtless. Sometimes there are images that pop into my head and I feel the tug of ” I’ve got to get this on canvas or in sketch form” and I’ve had experiences where I create from a full place as well. Where creation is a matter of emptying myself of all that is no longer me or of all the things weighing me down. I might begin with an idea in my head of how…..

wait….WAIT.

The point of THIS POST was to share my watercolour portrait that I did yesterday!! Hahaahhaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa BOY did I go off track. What?! Hooowwww did I get here? Jeez Louise! [Poor Louise…people are always blaming her for everything.] Feels like I just slammed 10 different posts into one.
Anyway to be honest, I’m sure these are wonderful topics to discuss. No doubt most creatives can spend all day discussing how they came about creating their creations.
..but for tonight I’m already tired of hearing the little voice in my head dictate all this.
SO, last night I did a face in watercolour and this is how it came out

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Practice practice, free flow watercolour lightness.
I look forward to doing some more 🙂

New blog schplog?

I’ve always wanted to have a little art blog where I can share my daily struggle that has come with having this gift.

My brain is just so disorganized and I think more than I actually put things into action. So my thoughts are disorganized and my actions paralyzed. Hahaha hey that’s kinda cute!

If I could just lay out my intentions smoothly , that would be nice.

I’d like to build up a small, close, interactive online community while doing this blog. Just sharing my daily struggles with overcoming all the little mind stuff and actually creating a body of work. That’s something I know a lot of artists can relate to . It would be nice to connect but I have no idea how to attract readers anyway. The internet is full of soooooooo many humans already doing this very thing. But I think it’ll be fine for now if I can just do it for myself . Just post … I’d love to share the process as well. The beginning of something, the frustrations, victories, end result and everything. Just raw and honest view in the life of a scatter brained wanna-be-but-dont-wanna-call-myself-a-wannabe-because-i-do-believe-in-manifestation-of-thoughts-and-that-i-am-what-i-say-i-am artist.

Holes

You can’t share these holes.
Because everyone is so positive, so happy, so sure and everyone is going somewhere or gone or will go . Like I once was and will be again although always shadowed by the memory of a million NOs. Who knows? I know. Nothing much…except that these are holes that I’d love to share, but  never will because , by God, anyone brave enough or in and out of sane enough to walk with, beside and around me will, no doubt, fall in.

Weak? Or nah

Life is for the strong and I am weak.

Constantly running in squares in my head. Torn between

“life is so much work and work and work that never ends. Work on the self, on your goals ladeeda.”
and
” Girl. Get the entire f**k over yourself. Life is freaking amazing. Laughter , food, trees and love exist. What are you complaining about?!”

I’m not an advocate for anything corporate. Slaving away in an office blah blah . But honestly, some people just aren’t strong enough to do the whole using -the -mind -to- build -their -own -fortress -as -opposed -to -building- someone -else’s thing. So they need that mind numbing 9 to 5 (not saying that all 9 to 5s are mind numbing. There are people who adore their jobs). I’m very not strong I think but I’m also too lazy, defiant and untameable to willingly slave away in a cold, formal office. Which means I’m also too lazy to work on my own shit. You know? The whole entrepreneur thing. I hate being lazy and you’d think “well why dontchya just change?!” Well… I might just be too lazy to do that even! It’s insane. Ugh I want to crack my skull against some ambition . Truly. And it’s not that it isn’t there. I have all these little things I want to do …. and complete . Like shit yes yes you are your biggest obstacle. I know. I know.

Having said all that though… I also know I won’t be able to live with myself if I become a waste of decaying matter that never tried at this life thing (because life can really be a fun thing if you want it to). Soooo… there’s also that little thread of confidence? Hm not confidence … just…-shrugs- *word lapse* that whatever happens, I’ll work it out and do SOMETHING. See I’m all over the place as always. Or I’m just saying that so I don’t feel like a total shit head. Get your mind right girl! – laughs hysterically and sips lemon tea-

I’m too lazy to elaborate further.  Brain words tangled with actual truth and what I want to be true. wfnqckvkvakvgkvw Stfu brain! I’m kidding. Please don’t stfu.  I’m sorry. I love you. It’s lonely in here without brain words. Love my brain words….

Uhuh! The degree to which I frustrate myself (and possibly, to which I frustrate you by now) is beyond human comprehension so I’ll just end here. Plus I’m hungry and the tea is getting cold.

Sigh. On the bright side!! I know exactly how I’m destroying myself and so I know exactly how to build myself up. I just need to DO.

– gouges out eyes-